


leave it all behind, and there is happiness

by intheendinwonderland



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Kinda, M/M, Marauders, Miscommunication, One Shot, POV Remus Lupin, Past Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Post-First War with Voldemort, Remus Lupin-centric, Sad Ending, Sirius Black in Azkaban, Songfic, all characters besides remus are only mentioned, just all around sad, remus believes sirius killed james and lily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29887080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intheendinwonderland/pseuds/intheendinwonderland
Summary: Remus struggles with his former feelings for Sirius after his betrayal, and his grief about loosing his best friends.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 2





	leave it all behind, and there is happiness

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday remus ily<3 
> 
> disclaimer: i do not support jkr

_Honey, when I'm above the trees  
I see this for what it is_

Remus remembers when he heard the news. He was up north, fighting Deatheaters from the border of the country. It was night, when everything calmed down. He remembered that someone apparated to him. An auror. He told him the very worst things that he had ever heard.

The auror told him what happened earlier that night. Sirius betrayed the Potters location. Voldemort found them, and killed James and Lily. Somehow - just somehow - little Harry survived the Dark Lord’s killing in curse, which in turn killed him. Sirius attempted to kidnap Harry, but Peter stopped him. Sirius killed Peter and twelve Muggles. Sirius was in Azkaban. 

Remus does not remember what came next. He doesn’t remember how he reacted, or what he said. He can still feel the feeling. Utter dread and disbelief and shock and betrayal and things even words couldn’t describe. 

Remus had wandered the forest that night still in shock. He thought back to when they were kids. Laughter and mischief and happiness. They were a band of trouble makers, or Marauders as they liked to call themselves. There was Remus of course, and James and Peter. And then there was Sirius. 

Sirius was really something. The disowned heir of the prestigious pureblooded clan. An irresistible boy who drew in everyone surrounding him. He was beautiful and funny and kind. Everybody loved him, and unfortunately Remus wasn’t an exception. 

That night, Remus really though he really saw what had happened. He thought that he would be fine, and eventually move on.

But then morning came, and Remus was stuck again with doubt and shock and heart crushing sadness.

_But now I'm right down in it_  
_All the years I've given  
Is just shit we're dividing up_

Remus had spent so many years with the Marauders. It was so hard to believe that two are dead because of the third. 

When they set pranks on the Slytherins. When they broke into Hogsmeade. When they created the map and gave each other nicknames. When they helped Remus through the full moon. 

There was the smaller things too. How James would comfort him when he was upset. How Peter would always take his time to truly listen to him. How Sirius would hold his hand and Remus felt his heart flutter. 

All those years . . . gone. Fucked up, memories so tainted that they will never be thought of in the same light again. Remus has been having such a hard time accepting it. He can’t accept that he’s always been truly alone. 

_Showed you all of my hiding spots  
I was dancing when the music stopped_

He was still a first year when they figured it out. Sirius had noticed that Remus was always sick, and he and James figured out he was always sick on the full moon. 

Remus was so upset when they had figured it out, but he was also kind of happy too. He wouldn’t have to lie anymore. He wouldn’t have to _hide_. 

Peter, James, Sirius, all of them, still saw him the same way.

When they became Animagi, they saw firsthand what happened to Remus monthly. How his skin stretched and fur grew and claws came out. How he was feral; he would howl and tear up the room and scratch himself. Somehow, the group stayed with Remus. They didn’t back off. 

_And in the disbelief_  
_I can't face reinvention_  
_I haven't met the new me yet_

Remus had to accept the reality of what happened. He couldn’t be a Marauder anymore. He just had to be himself.

But the thing was that Remus didn’t know who he is without his friends. He couldn’t have just been Lupin when it was always _PotterBlackLupinPettigrew._

He wondered who he would be without them. Would he be the same person or become completely new? 

Remus had to say goodbye. Say goodbye to Hogwarts, say goodbye to late nights pulling tricks, say goodbye to the thoughts wondering what it would be like to kiss Sirius Black. After that he would find the new him. 

Saying goodbye is a hard thing. Remus knew that. He’d take his time of course, but he promised to himself that one day he would let go. 

_There'll be happiness after you_  
_But there was happiness because of you_  
_Both of these things can be true_  
_There is happiness_

One day, Remus will be happy again. He deserves that at least. Maybe he’ll find himself a lover. A woman preferably, but most likely it will be a man. Maybe he’ll find himself a group of friends, that will make him feel the same way the Marauders did. 

He could’ve reached out to his father, but Remus was too ashamed. His father disowned after he was bitten. He spent a majority of his life fighting werewolves, and Remus didn’t think he would be ready for him to come back, even after all those years. 

He could find out if Mary was still alive, because she was the only one of his friends left that he didn’t know their living status. Remus didn’t, because he couldn’t bear to be disappointed again. He didn’t have it in him to grieve over another person.

_Past the blood and bruise_  
_Past the curses and cries_  
_Beyond the terror in the nightfall_

The hardest day of Remus’s life was James and Lily’s funeral. He was offered to write a speech, but he didn’t have it in him to write anything. 

Everyone there bore battle scars and had red, teary eyes. Everybody loved James and Lily. And they were gone, forever. 

Harry, who was nicknamed “The Boy Who Lived”, was there. That was the last time Remus saw him. He had offered to raise him, but Dumbledore insisted that he would be under the care of Lily’s Muggle sister and her husband. 

_Haunted by the look in my eyes_  
_That would've loved you for a lifetime_  
_Leave it all behind_  
_And there is happiness_

There were photographs at the funeral. Whoever had organized it was careful to leave out any photos of Sirius, but at the very back there was one with both James and Lily, and Remus and Sirius. 

That photograph stuck with Remus for much longer than it should’ve. He saw the way his younger self looked at Sirius. He was so vivacious. Anyone passing by could see Remus’s true feelings. He was ashamed. 

He wanted to take that photo with him, steal it and put it in his pocket so he could always be reminded of how joyous he once was. He couldn’t. He reminded himself of his promise. He had to let go to be happy. He couldn’t let go if there was an image of it was stuck in his eyes every morning and night.

 _Tell me, when did your winning smile_  
_Begin to look like a smirk?_  
_When did all our lessons start to look like_ _weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?_

Remus had tried so hard to move on quickly, but he just couldn’t. Not without closure. He can’t just forget years of his life without never knowing the answers. 

There were the questions that truly stuck with Remus, making him unable to even think about anything else. They were mainly about Sirius. 

Was Sirius always against him? Ever since the first year was he in league’s with his mother? Was every moment a lie? Remus didn’t think this one was too likely. He remembers the beginning of the war, when they were in the fourth year, and Sirius would swear up and down that he wasn’t like his family. He wasn’t one of _them_. 

Remus didn’t think it was possible for him to be so wrong. He couldn’t have been completely wrong about Sirius for years on end.

There was others that he could’ve possibly see them actually being the spy. He had immediately distrusted Snape from the very beginning. There was always something off about Emmeline. Even Peter was his least favorite of the Marauders. 

He never would’ve guessed it was Sirius.

But then of course, there was the other option, which Remus thought was almost worse. The option that Sirius wasn’t always on Voldemort’s side. That maybe one day, he just decided to join his family’s rebellions against wizard society. 

That would be worse because Remus doesn’t know when things would’ve changed. When did Sirius go from his charming best friend to the rogue one in the group? When he started catching romantic feelings, did Sirius notice? Surely he couldn’t have just decided to become a Deatheater because of him? 

_I hope she'll be your beautiful fool_  
_Who takes my spot next to you_

Remus didn’t know why him fancying Sirius stuck out more to him then their friendship did. If Sirius was truly on his side, he still wouldn’t have been with him. 

Sirius always had a string of beautiful girlfriends following after him, none of them ever lasting long. The one that had hurt Remus the most was when Sirius started dating Marlene in the fifth year. Marlene was Remus’s friend, and it was always easier to hate some unknown girl who was dating the guy he fancied. He could never hate Marlene. 

If there was an alternate reality, Sirius still wouldn’t be with Remus. In Remus’s dreams, his place to Sirius would be the one who ones his heart. But no matter what, that could never happen. 

Remus just hoped in a different lifetime Sirius where Sirius was a good man he would find someone who would love him like he wanted to be able to love him. 

_No, I didn't mean that_  
_Sorry, I can't see facts through all of my fury_  
_You haven't met the new me yet_

Remus felt so guilty for allowing himself to think of a place of them together. Sirius was a murderer after all. Remus was so alone. 

He became a tutor to help wizard children who didn’t go to any school learn. He knew he could’ve reached higher for a job that truly suited his talents, but his constant anxiety and fear of harming others stopped him. 

Maybe one day Remus would visit Sirius and get some closure. But until then Remus had to sort himself out, no matter how hard it may be.

_There'll be happiness after me_  
_But there was happiness because of me_  
_Both of these things, I believe_  
_There is happiness_

The scariest part about Azkaban was always the dementors. Evil, soulless creatures that’s sole purpose is to suck the happiness out of wizards. Sirius didn’t deserve happiness after what he’s done, but it still haunted Remus. It was almost ironic how he felt the same way how he imagined Sirius felt, but he didn’t do anything wrong. Or maybe he did. To some people Remus would have deserved the same fate Sirius got simply for being a werewolf, or being queer, or being a half-blood. 

It was almost ironic how things had turned out. Regulus was always the Black brother who was in cohorts with his family, while Sirius was always the deviant. Regulus was dead, was dead for a long time, for most likely defecting from Voldemort, while Sirius did the exact opposite. 

Maybe in the very back of his mind, Sirius would think of some moment in his life and be happy, before it all comes crashing down when he realized it was only him who fucked everything up.

_In our history, across our great divide_  
_There is a glorious sunrise_  
_Dappled with the flickers of light_  
_From the dress I wore at midnight_  
_Leave it all behind_  
_And there is happiness_

Remus wasn’t always sad all the time. He had found out as the years went by that somedays were better than others. Some days he would be tangled in despair, other days stuck in his head, fantasizing about the past. Some days he was numb. Those days were technically the best option for him, but they were always the worst. 

There was one memory that Remus had dug up from the very back of his mind that sent him into a long period of depression, longer than they usually were. 

The memory wasn’t anything fancy or special. It was supposedly just a normal day at Hogwarts when they were fourth years. They were all doing homework, laughing over some silly joke that Remus couldn’t have possibly remembered. 

Sirius was grabbing his shoulder, his hair ending up in Remus’s mouth by accident. That just made James’s almost comical laughter become even louder, as Peter rolled over on the floor. 

“Love ya, Moony,” Sirius managed to giggle out. 

And that was it. Remus only had one for it. 

Happiness. 

And even after so many years after Hogwarts, after so many years of his friends’ passing and and betrayal, Remus hadn’t felt as happy as he did in that short, little memory. It was a thing of the past, after all.

_I can't make it go away by making you a villain_  
_I guess it's the price I paid for seven years in Heaven_

Remus supposed that he should’ve been appreciative for his seven _good_ years at Hogwarts, and the overall decade of his life spent with his friends. All good things come to an end, after all. Werewolves are dark creatures. Happiness would be too merciful for the crimes of their existence. Remus was lucky that he had all the time he had. 

If Remus had died, right then and there, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. The prime of his life came and went, and he knew it. Somehow he kept holding on, hoping for a future he knew he didn’t deserve at all.

_And I pulled your body into mine_  
_Every goddamn night, now I get fake niceties_  
_No one teaches you what to do_  
_When a good man hurts you_  
_And you know you hurt him too_

Remus wasn’t a complete victim of the war, and he knew that. Remus was never someone you could be able to read like an open book. He often shied away from loud crowds, and always kept secrets locked in the very bottom of his heart. 

During the war, he became worse. In the few hours he had to spare after going off on missions, Remus stayed in his home all alone, his anxiety crippling his every move. A question that always kept Remus up at night was whether if he stayed around more, could he have either prevented Sirius from joining Voldemort of stopped him from his plan. 

Maybe it was his fault, the whole time. Maybe if Remus didn’t shrink away from his friends, he would’ve saved them. Maybe instead of resenting Sirius whenever he got a new girlfriend, he would show him his true feelings, and they could be together. 

Maybe not. 

_Honey, when I'm above the trees_  
_I see it for what it is_  
_But now my eyes leak acid rain on the pillow where_  
_You used to lay your head_

Remus kept all of his old stuff from Hogwarts locked in a tiny closet. He kept all of his books of course, and items Remus just couldn’t throw away. It was such a shame that Sirius’s touch ruined them all. 

Remus’s quill, which Sirius put a spell on to squirt ink on Snape, but it ended going in his eyes. His scarf Sirius insisted he wore every day of the winter during when they were six years because Sirius didn’t want Remus to get cold. Even Remus’s pillow that he stole from his last year at Hogwarts reminded him of Sirius tentatively sneaking into his bed because his nightmares kept him awake at night. 

Somedays, Remus looked at his old school stuff and smiled softly to himself. Other days he would unlock the closet and door and just start sobbing. When he was younger, Remus would always keep his emotions locked away. As he grew up, it seemed like all Remus ever did was cry. 

_After giving you the best I had_  
_Tell me what to give after that_  
_All you want from me now_  
_Is the green light of forgiveness_  
_You haven't met the new me yet_  
_And I think she'll give you that_

Grief is a terrible thing. Something that holds so many people in a chokehold for years on end. Everybody’s heard of the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. As the years flew on and time went ticking by, Remus knew that he has been switching between the first four. 

The days he spent pretending the Marauders were all together and perfectly find. The days he spent destroying all of Sirius’s old things that he somehow kept. The days he told himself that he should’ve done more to prevent his friends’ death. The days he was so sad he couldn’t get out of bed. They all added up to the future where Remus would find his happiness. 

Remus hadn’t found the acceptance stage just yet, but he had high hopes. He doesn’t know what that’ll give him. Maybe he’ll pretend he never went to Hogwarts. Maybe he’ll partially forgive Sirius. He didn’t know. He was fine with that. 

_There'll be happiness after you_  
_But there was happiness because of you too_  
_Both of these things can be true_  
_There is happiness_

By 1993, Remus was doing good. He had a few muggle friends, and he shifted from job to job from time to time. He was content. He rarely ever thought about Hogwarts.

That was until Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban. 

_In our history, across our great divide _  
_There is a glorious sunrise_  
_Dappled with the flickers of light_  
_From the dress I wore at midnight, leave it all behind___

__Whoever controlled the fates must’ve fucking hated Remus Lupin._ _

_____Oh, leave it all behind_  
_Leave it all behind_  
_And there is happiness_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to anyone who read this and enjoyed it!!!


End file.
